I have been toying with this idea for awhile. As sometimes it’s already a hard thing to put your life out there. But I remember before I moved to New York I wondered what it would be like to date here. I want to be very open as a blogger, so hopefully it’s entertaining to you while a bit scary for me. Some days I feel like that line out of Sex in the City where Charlotte says “I have been dating since I was 17 I’m exhausted where is he?” But other days I feel really content enjoying single life. I want to find love, but I don’t feel pressure to get married. Because I was. So today I wanted to share the moments I knew getting married was a mistake.
I knew before the wedding getting married was a mistake. I told people it was wedding jitters but I knew deep down my women’s intuition was right and this was not the life I wanted. He wasn’t going to be my forever partner. Deposits deep and my mom telling me “Caitlin everyone’s coming” I thought I would try to make it work. The second time I tried to call it off I told my fiance. He took me for a long walk and then stopped and held me, told me to close my eyes. He said picture this, I’m no longer in your life, you move back in with your girlfriends and go about your life without me. I was secretly thinking, “that sounds nice actually,” but with my moms voice in my head I knew I had to go on with the wedding.
The third time I tried to call I called a therapist on the Tuesday before the wedding. I was crying and thinking about calling it off. It was 7 p.m. so I thought no one would answer. But he did. I said I’d like to make an appointment and he told me I sound super emotional and asked if I was available right now. I was a mess! How could I not sound emotional?! I said yes and went in. I told him I was getting married on Saturday and felt like getting married was a mistake. He said three words to me – “call it off.” I said that everyone was coming and I felt like I couldn’t. He told me everyone will just get over it and they can make the trip a weekend getaway. He said everyone will understand and get over it. I felt so badly everyone had rearranged their summer plans for us and already sent gifts. In the end, I decided to go through with it.
Walking down the aisle I wished I wasn’t there and I even remember asking his brother where he was taking our marriage certificate that he was a witness to. I thought maybe this could all be over if I could hide it.
For a minute I thought, should I just stay in an unhappy marriage for a few years, have babies and try to make it work. Or take control of my life and get out now. Soon after the wedding and honeymoon I told my husband it wasn’t working and thought we should go to counseling. We tried for 5 months but ultimately thought we’d be better apart. I would love to get married again, but only to the right person. I guess the moral of the story is that women’s intuition is no joke and when it speaks, listen to it.
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